Photo 1 2 3 E | Bus Talk | Movies | Links | Last updated 04.25.03
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My news goes from oldest to newest. That way you don't trip up on something you're not supposed to before you are.
07.25.02 Much, much later since last post. Much has happened since then. For starters, my good friends in Boston, Jorge and Paula, have announced their wedding plans for September 6, 2003 and I'm the best man! I can't relate through HTML how happy I am for them. My sister grows bigger by the day. Soon, she will be a mother and I will be an uncle. Sometime after the last post, I got an Xbox and haven't been toying with the computer much since. My recommendation: get an Xbox. Natan is my first convert. I'll be back soon. Sign the fcukin' guest book! 08.17.02 This is soon to me! Time brings things of varying makes and models pulling up to the ol' Casa de Chan Experience. For starters, misfortune befalls friends. Not as worrying as it could've been, though; there's much to be learned and it's not lost here. Then, the inexplicable. Like a special coin left in the corner of the drawer that makes you wonder what value it holds for you. Cryptic? Could I be any other way? Time enough. I'm spent already and it bothers me. Going to play the new Gamecube I purchased recently. Is all this kid stuff a viable escape? Let's hope so. Recent Reading: The Bush Dyslexicon by Mark Crispin Miller - Good book about the prez which thoroughly analyzes the underlying horror of his soundbite gags ("...put food on your children"). The Yellow Wall-Paper and other Stories by Charlotte Perkins Gilman - Stories written by a late 19th early 20th century feminist. The themes and statements are quite profound for the time of writing. Try "The Yellow Wall-Paper," "If I were a Man," and "Herland." Oh, and watch Resident Evil the movie. It's a well-done action/horror flick. Sexy, scary, fun. Check out some newer photos, if you've got a sec. Okay, okay... I'm going now. 08.21.02 "Mayfly, woken up while skies are blue..." Wrapped in their song [plural], playing end to end, stretching to the sky and back again. A false prophecy? Perhaps. Heavy sighs with low significance. Everybody knows something's gotta be up when Robin gets to talkin' artsy-like. 08.22.02 3:47 AM The guys are over and we're getting drunk. Thoughts weigh on me unspecified. Talking about past conquests, sex. It's been awhile. Can they see me squirming? Drunk, feel like throwing up. Almost, but not quite. Gotta stay tough in front of the guys. They'll be asking about me soon... 08.28.02 I'm definitely overly-analytical. I over-think and then over-drink to block out the conclusions I arrive at, if any. Every little nuance: spacing, placing, color and shade determined or explained away. Do I step on the gaps in the sidewalks or space my gait between them? Fair warning: If you aren't already aware, do not, (I repeat) do not, see Roman Polanski's The Ninth Gate (yes, that one with Johnny Depp). It is a pretentious work of trash in great magnitudes. Doug and Rodrigo rented it on a whim and brought it over. I chastised them immediately for it, but then I felt bad and decided to make it up to them by agreeing to watch it (to prove my point). 09.05.02 It's one week until the anniversary of the day after that-event-which-we-can't-forget. If they didn't remind us (and remind us about how we shouldn't forget) so consistently, I would dread to think what might become of this great nation. Throwing babies out of windows? Cannibalism? Likely. There's a load of leftover chicken egg foo young that's making me borderline mini-nauseous. 09.09.02 What's on your mind Robin? Whatever could be on your mind... Common late night meal: micro-waved pizza with minced garlic. Worst moment to ponder heavy thoughts: before sleep. 09.10.02 I found myself on the bus wishing so hard to be home already so I can cry over a beer. When I finally arrive, it seems to be a lot harder than initially conceived. There is a moment of pleasure in feeding a couple of the outside gang of stray cats (Jean and Leslie). Later on I come back out to stuff Lee. My cat gives me a love scratch as I tap one of her back paws. I get her back later by winning a staring contest. I've been feeling confused and depressed (which came first?) the past couple weeks. There seems to be a lot to be accomplished and I just don't feel up to the task. Furthermore... My quest to clear the past of blazing bridges reaches a new level. First, I clear my conscience with Shelley. Today, I run into Angela. After all these months of procrastination, I get dealt a lucky hand and discover that she doesn't hold my past mistake against me. Still, this does nothing to shake the mood. Perhaps tonight I can justify drinking it away - at least temporarily. 09.15.02 Christ, where is the time going? And why am I not moving along with it? Finally had a talk with Angela, my first ex. I'm glad that she's doing well, but really it's just one less thing (a minor one at that) which has been troubling me as of late. Don't talk to me. The hole I'm in is one I'm entirely responsible for and I'm afraid I'll just be wearing you down. ... Damnation! incontrovertible.. i'm thinking about the letter... what the fcuk is making me think about that? that was years ago. fcuking failure? lost.. has it somehow become some kind of symbol.. this letter of bad tidings, the harbinger of doom and gloom blah blah blah.. things in motion beyond my control always, always i've got to buck up, realign myself before i find comfort in the hole. ... I am that fcuking leaf. a twist here, a lucky dash upward, the inevitable fall. fcuk it. .;.;,.//... Mao nicks me on the head with her Power Paw (see photo). She's sitting at the foot of my bed, something she hasn't done in quite a while.
==;;[. it's sunday and i'm full of regret. ::::further... There seems to be something hanging over me [insert dangling sword of Damocles here], or, rather, weighing on my shoulders [Atlas etching]. Dread, oh futile dread. Melting away over here with The Magnetic Fields supplying the soundtrack. Jesus Halicombe Christ! I don't remember the last time I've been so stuck in a rut. I need to ease off. Haven't had coffee in some days now. I've been replacing it with cola. And now I'm rambling. I need to talk some of this off. ===yet more=== Added some new photos and the triumphant return of Bus Talk. 09.16.02 AM Past Midnight, is all. Attempted to add frames, didn't work. Damn tripod ad banners. Been working to do some new things for the site. Could I have found my [temporary] muse? I found some old stuff from the site which can be salvaged, repackaged, and reintroduced as new! Remember this? I'm attempting to suppress the why bother bug - I know no one's seen this dumb site in about month. Working on this actually helps take my mind off things. la la lalla la la! Still get this cloud-fog thing hanging around, but I've managed to shove it in the back corner. Look at all the neat little goofy things I did with HTML! Now it's getting pretty late... I'll have more stuff probably tomorrow night. Good night! Later on this day... 09.16.02 PM I feel very different from the way I did last night, hence the new date entry. All the stuff I did helped to wheedle the sh!t down some and I actually feel excited about being productive. Speaking of which, I've been rereading some of the old stuff to determine what to bring back. There's a whole crapload of old hokum, some good, much bad, which I'll be sorting through. I guess another reason I'm more okay is because I've reread some old journals I had posted sometime back. They made me think about how I've been feeling lately and how I've dealt with these emotions then. The sheer value of experience there has proven itself incredibly. When I begin dancing in the streets I'll let you know. It's really 2 in the morning, but this is pretty much the same day, so blegh: Another piece of the old bridge puzzle slides into place. It brings me an unexpected, but purely welcome joy. 09.18.02 AM Just a hair past two. Watched Requiem for a Dream again tonight. Good movie. See, no world ending, crippling whining, no content. Sreep tight and preasant dleams. Sign the fcukin' guest book! 09.20.02 AM Ready to close up shop almost (at least until the next big Hurrah). I should get to linking the old content back soon. Hmm.. there was a pang there, but... I'll let it pass. Maybe later... 09.21.02 AM Any bastard can look at a leaf-infested fall and call it beautiful, or see a perfect sunset and know it's proper to praise it. This kinda stuff is pre-approved and has all the false warmth of a credit card application (because that's what you're thinking of). So when a fall's leaves cause sensation in my spirit or a melting sunset dries a waxed hold on my gaze, I can't help but feel disgusted that it'd be equated with the above. Perhaps it's just my own personal hang ups. 09.24.02 AM Back by popular demand, it's the Eric Drunk Pictures! Went to a club on Saturday night. Jasmine and I had decided to try something different by going to this place a friend had referred called the Soho Lounge. Eileen's description included three rooms: one goth/industrial, one lounge-ish, and one new wave-ish. After paying the rather hefty cover charge of ten bucks a head, we entered the place and saw the first room to the right. It was a bar area populated by many goths and industrial music was blasting. "Okay," says the reasonable person, "this must be the goth room." We decided to go upstairs and try our luck on the next room. The stairs had those glass cylinder baby jesus-type candles lit on almost each step. The room itself was large and had a balcony area that overlooked the much smaller dance floor. We discover that this room too, was populated by those-in-black and that gothic industrial music was pumping here. We sit at the upstairs bar and I noticed that Jasmine is totally excited and amused at all the sights. Apparently, this is her first experience in a goth club. It was downright cute how fascinated she was at this socially extroverted lifestyle. I, who was wearing a light beige button-up shirt to her black dress, should have felt uncomfortable or alienated, but didn't. I'd been to places far more extreme than this and it didn't even really shock me that there was a man in his thirties dressed in a bikini bottom and straps licking the boots of his dominatrix. I'll have to wrap up this story later. Toodles! 09.25.02 AM So, to make a long story short: The amusement died down after about an hour and a half. We hunted down a late night liquor store and scored a six-pack, then put on the movie Seven. Went to bed at about 5:15 in the morning, just when a big rain swept through. Monday night is dinner at a cuban restaurant and then a rainy drive down Collins listening to Nina Simone. Then two episodes of The Sopranos season three. A good night. Worked like a beast today in spite of a walking disaster fellow employee. This guy must've irked everyone but Webster so his picture never showed up in the dictionary next to 'jerk', 'kiss-ass', 'inefficient', and 'inept'. How do people like him get by? Does blatant brown-nosing really work? What happens when you've got nothing to show and no one to blame? That's what bothers me: this fcukin' creep has too many people to blame for his incompetence. Enough energy wasted on him; save it for work. 09.26.02 Off today. Somehow found this: 
Almost disturbing, but not quite convincing enough. And now, from left field: "Robin Chan is also a web-safe color." New look, same slack. Or maybe not. Added a third picture page. I've done a number of minor little tweaks and doozies that I once thought were easy but have turned out to be slightly more difficult. I got inspiration from many other personal sites on the www. Feedback anyone? Goodbye, Goodbye Jennifer and Merrily from the bookshopslave work family. The ranks of familiar faces dwindle, but when will mine be gone? Other than that, I haven't too much to be down about. So I guess no real rich content here, huh? 09.27.02 AM Updated Bustalk. It seems rather grim, too. I guess the stories I relate just happened to be that way. "Nice day for a mood / The forecast is good" 3:38 AM Can't sleep. Must wake up at 9 in the morning. Should sleep. But not. doing. so. Oh, um, yeah... sign the fcukin' guestbook! 4:03 AM bleghhhhhh 09.27.02 PM Woke up feeling like absolute crap. Sore throat, phlegm, etc. Called in today. Brought back the Movies section, but I had to leave out some of the more dated stuff. Anyone got contributions, I'm willing to try this again. 09.29.02 Felt some strings in me pulled taut. 09.30.02 AM Saw Mr. Quintron tonight. Pretty drunk. Threw up alongside a pickup truck outside my house. 09.30.02 PM Then cooked up some frozen pot stickers. Then threw those up. Cooked up the rest of the pot stickers today and didn't throw them up. Me Grok, me boring. (This seems like such a narcissistic device.) ~~ 10.01.02 AM Here's hopin' J.'s affliction gets better. Knowing she's in pain just kills me. 10.03.02 Going mad from these fcukin' insect bites! Anyway, worked out a links section, in case you're bored stiff and online. Workin' out a mess of thoughts. Haven't really given this site the beef I feel comes naturally. It seems as if I'm getting drawn into learning more about the technical aspect of things HTML and so the rest has taken a back seat. Or maybe I'm not quite the mess I sell myself off as. Oh well, I'll be back. ~~~ Okay back. Decided to archive some of the news... still need to work out the format of things, though. 10.05.02 AM Depressed? Not really. Solo beers and a movie are usually signs of this, but there's enough evidence of optimism to keep me from feeling that way. Don't know exactly how I feel, really. Now that the site is back up and current I've been blabbing to one and all, I'm developing this inclination toward vagueness. I feel like the present sucks; like I want to fast forward myself to better times, past the mire I've dug myself into. ~~~ When was the last time a girl's smile got you genuinely interested? I know it's been quite a while for me - call me picky. Today I found interest in a girl I've come across at work before. What's the significance? This kinda stuff happens to guys all the time. I guess I feel like I'm not necessarily in an obvious position to react in such a way. Another beer. Pushing the limit here. What's wrong? Nothing. Same old nothing. ~~ I predict disaster. That's what's glaring ahead of me if I'm not careful. I'm leaving everything in the hands of timing. Drinking myself silly while my cat strikes poses atop my tv. Aw, fcuk it. I can only see a bad future of Dave Matthews Band and The Cheesecake Factory. It ain't worth it. Fcukin' Dave Matthews Band? Forget it. I can't even fathom how these stupid pricks killed themselves over heavy metal. Pop music is the hidden culprit. 10.13.02 Wowza, been awhile. This past week has been busy, between friends and family and whatnot. Speaking of family, Jonathan was born via c-section on Tuesday, October 8. Congratulations to my sister and her hubby. And thanks for making me an uncle. It was quite an experience seeing my sister and her baby after the operation. My mother and I both admitted to an astonished detachment- almost as if we felt that it couldn't be my sister, her daughter, that had given birth. Be back soon. 10.14.02 AM Back. Damn bills. These things'll kill you. Especially them credit cards. And I swear, this piece of trash loser that has caused this debt hole has taken way too much from me. How do you deal with bills that have to be paid whether or not some stupid fcukin imaginary paycheck for that goddam deadbeat has come in the mail or not? So bitter.. so bitter lately. Need to do something, but I don't know what. 10.23.02 AM I've got an idea, but I'm not so sure I have the balls to do it. The damn comfort zone is a killer and it's haunted me all my life. I keep waiting for something to happen instead of doing it myself and in the meantime I become absolutely miserable. Too many things put off, wearing me down emotionally. I've had way too much on my mind lately. A new door has opened up too, but I'm worried that I'll just let it slip closed again. We'll see. **** Snookered. That's the word that first came to my head when I fully realized and understood. I've been playing along to someone else's benefit with hardly a concern for my own. It takes a real friend to tell you that - they're looking out for your best interests, whereas others close to you may only be looking out for theirs (without realizing it). Yeah, it's a big deal. And not as vague as I should or, rather, would naturally be here, but it's a burden I'm wearied of carrying. I need to talk this over before too long. (promises, promises) ****** sometimes i think weird things like make silly bets like if i can finish some repetitive task without error or toss some projectile into the trash successfully then i'll win some great pleasure (get laid, team wins, next day is off, etc.). of course, i don't expect it to pay off like my imagination would like it to, but i can't help but feel so pressured in each instance. **** objective advice from my friends is something i never listen to soon enough. gotta get off this track... don't wanna be too depressed to beat off! 10.30.02 AM Consumed as of late. Drawn into distraction. Had to make a brutally tough decision recently, one affecting not just myself but someone else very dear and close to me. The result of this decision required that we spend some indiscernible amount of time apart. And no, not a relationship, though someone I love and care about very much. she didn't seem to find much reason in my rationalization. I hope she understands. ****** aw fcuk. thinking about things again. but honestly, i feel there's nothing else (including lying) that i can do that would benefit both of us. there are moments when i feel i'll cave in, pretty much push things right back to the beginning of the cycle, but then i realize that as down as i feel at times i don't regret anything. 10.31.02 So I'm 25 today. For some reason I still feel like I'm a kid. Feeling tired, which is funny because I was up until about 7:15 this morning and I slept until 4. My plan to get sauced on gin got sidetracked by beer and Xbox. I threw up twice. Happy birthday to me. 11.05.02 The Saturday after my birthday I had a party for myself, the first one I've done in quite a while. A good amount of people crammed into my small apartment even though many that were expected didn't show. Even better, there were more girls than guys and all the different groups mingled better than I anticipated. ...and blah blah blah. What the hell am I rambling about all this inane crap for? Well, in spite of all this emotional hullabaloo, I'm doing okay; able to enjoy myself. I know I wouldn't have been otherwise, being captivated by fear and jealousy. That stuff'll kill ya. Rest in peace little kitten.
Been a while, I know. It seems like I need some crazy drama playing out in my life for me to be productive here. There's drama alright, but not the glued-to-your-tv type. How do you successfully befriend an ex? And I mean without all that petty jealousy and desire stuff. Any ideas? I can't just avoid her forever... ~~~ So this kitten up there was owned my friend Natan and it met with an unfortunate demise. ***WARNING! Dream description Beginning!*** I dreamt last night that its broken corpse was actually alive still and was nursed back to good health. ***End dream description*** I wonder what brought that on. I never met the cat but I am a cat person. Maybe there's some deep-seeded fear about something happening to my own cat and the feeling of helplessness that would bring on. Weird stuff. I'm sitting here now in sweltering heat because my thermostat is broken and South Florida is cool only six days a year. My damn finger hurts now because I got it caught while trying to open a window wider. The throbbing sensation brings up images of the best of Looney Toons. ~~~ Getting ready to embark on a completely new endeavor. It's a little bit crazy in ways, but who says I haven't gone crazy before? Besides, it'll be healthier than the 'Jackass' routine I was on. Just gotta get the details worked out.
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My Forecast: You tell me. Reading:
Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby, Jr. Current Spins: 12/05/02
Bright Eyes - There is No Beginning to the Story
Bright Eyes - Fevers and Mirrors
Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings
Stereo Total - Musique Automatique |
©2002 bookshopslave, Robin J. Chan
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Beware
the Power Paw
